everything is meaningless. everything is meaningless apart from the love of Christ Jesus. i was ranting this yesterday when something didn't go my way. it was selfish of me, but this truth is what came to mind which helped me release "my way".

yes, my time in Jordan has been hard to process, but the Lord has been faithful to put many people in my path already who have experienced similar things (since i have not) and they clearly have been changed to be more like Jesus in the end. i was challenged yesterday by something a friend said God was doing in his life. he's giving up his life more and more which includes adopting the willingness to be mobile for the glory of Jesus, and i don't know why, but that hit a wall in me. i'm afraid that my heart may be hardened after coming back, thinking that a mobile life will take its toll on my love for the world. it's hard to be ripped away from a people and place that you grew to love so quickly. then again, it could just mean that i want to be wholly devoted to Jesus' fame in one place for a significant amount of time before picking up to move again. however it may be, 'not as i will, but as You will' is hard for me to say right now honestly.

i'm really savoring the time i have right now to soak in the Son every day. there's nothing better to do...there's also not much else to do. i'm praying that when my schedule does fill up with the return of classes and work, my time with the Sustainer of my life isn't cut short. i need Him as much as ever this year as i try to listen for His voice to tell me when i'm going after graduation. it's strange to even think i'm graduating! i have no clue what's next and i'd really love to get some idea of where He wants me....

and marriage. oh, marriage. that's a whole other story. but i guess i'm asking Him about this, too. alright Lord, before i wander abroad again, i'd love to have someone to go with. who!?

this is a rascal flatts song which i love, but the title alone is what i've been asking myself lately.

yesterday, wednesday, i was amazed. the Lord revealed something to me about how i'd lost the sense of my place. not my place like in-the-kitchen suppression kind of place, but definitely my place of being under authorities. when did my sense of self become so inflated? granted, i still fully respect the people God has placed in my life to be over me to guide me and give me direction, but somehow i started questioning them in a way that really wasn't my right. He did it by using someone i completely love and look up to to speak to me about this issue in my life. i was amazed because i never saw it coming. but when it was pointed out to me, the guilt was overwhelming how i had hurt or offended the mentors i have. i think i didn't know what to do with it because that's never happened before...or at least i've never had to be told.

here's the beautiful thing: i never felt any lack of love, but rather a flood of it, throughout the whole conversation and even after the fact, Jesus' love was nearly too much to handle. i may have seemed to other people as really depressed and just beating myself up, but my mind was fixated on the grace that God was showering on me. i don't understand it. i'm actually really glad about the whole thing because i had lost some of my view of how precious His grace for me really is....until i needed it and received more than i felt i could bear. it's a great weight that i can only process a little at a time. His unfailing grace is all i've been able to think about today. i think i'm even happier than i have been lately. in passing, a homeless man didn't ask me for money today as he usually does, but rather asked me "has anyone told you you look beautiful yet today?" i was again amazed because i had only smiled at him in passing- i mean, i haven't showered today and i wore the same giant orange shirt for the second day in a row for the Orphan campaign. i knew it was Jesus using Him to speak. why would He do that when i have been so disrespectful of the leading influencial, special people He put in my life?!?!?!

really, i could talk about this for a while cuz i'm still drowning in His grace. i'm feeling completely weak, but in the best way. i'm so unworthy, to no end. but He makes me worthy only because He loves me with a love more steadfast than i have ever known. thus, the title is fitting.

so did you know that Judas was in charge of the moneybag in the group of disciples that followed Jesus? i think i had read that before but i never really thought about it. this is the same Judas that later betrays Jesus. i don't know why, but that, more than anything, has stuck with me from Bible study last night. we were looking at John 12, right after Jesus raised a dear friend from the dead.

so since Jesus is one with the Father and still retains omnipotent powers in His human form, He most likely had the foreknowledge that Judas would betray Him; actually, He definitely did as we know from His comment at the last supper, and yet, He still let Judas have charge over the moneybag for the gang though he helped himself to it regularly. why in the world would Jesus allow him to do that? *reason #7 why i love our Bible study group: they give amazing answers when they think about Scripture.* someone had mentioned that Jesus was just continually giving Judas the chance to change and repent; another person said that clearly, Jesus wasn't concerned about their money and knew that His Father would provide; still another person said that Jesus' unfailing mercy is shown through this to Judas, though he chooses not to accept it. something i thought of was that perhaps Judas' heart needed encouragement to hardened enough to actually betray Jesus later for some pieces of silver. had he not been handling the money, his mind may not have been so money-focused, and would have valued Jesus above his own material gain.

p.s. the perfume that Mary poured over Jesus feet and dried with her hair that started this whole fiasco was worth a year's wages = $30,000ish today. my reaction would have been the same as Judas', even without selfish gain in mind. but unlike a prophet or an angel, Jesus accepts worship. clearly, He's far different.